Jan 16, 2014

The Will to My Grace

So, there has been something bothering me, and slowly breaking my heart since last spring, but really didn't start hitting me until this fall. I've gotta get it off my chest, and then maybe I can move on.

In 6th grade, I met the one best friend that remained a constant through high school. He was amazing, and we were 2 peas in a pod for the next 6 school years, and even the first 2 years of college. He was my Will. Well, a straight version.  When my dad died, Danny asked who I wanted him to call and he was it. I knew my close friends at home would find out, but I knew it might take a day or so for him to find out and I couldn't wait that long to hear from him.

We never once tried to date, although his dad was certain we would. We always had to have the other ones approval when it came to who we were dating. For example.. Danny and I broke up during senior year because he didn't know if he wanted to date other people or be in a relationship. I made the choice for him and broke up with him. Nice, huh? Well, a couple months later he texted me one afternoon and I was bitching to him. When he didn't say anything I asked him to tell me what was on his mind. All he said was "I don't know, I just like the guy" I'm almost positive I text Danny back later that evening and we were back together within days. He was also the guy who at the basketball game that happened to be the same night Danny and I broke up, when I walked by Danny, ran up and put his arm around me as we walked by. To say Danny was pissed would be an understatement. Even though he liked Danny, he knew I would find it funny to make him mad.

We graduated high school and went our separate ways. He called me after a couple weeks of classes and told me he wasn't sure how he was going to manage to get all of his homework done since I wasn't there to tell him what he had to do every night now that we didn't have every class together. We always made it a point to hang out when he came home on breaks that first and second year. Our second year of school, he started dating this girl (I think they are still together). I hadn't met her yet, but she saw that I posted something on his Facebook and within minutes I had a friend request from her. I called him that night and asked what her deal was, and he told me he already took care of it and told her to back off.

I saw him a few weeks before my wedding, at my wedding and then at a friends wedding in July 2012. That was the last time I saw him. I sent him a text on his birthday last year. He replied "Thank you" and that was the last I heard of him.

I called him to tell him I was pregnant, but had to leave a message telling him to call me back so I could tell him something. Never responded. I texted him about our class reunion and also mentioned in the long text that I was pregnant. Never responded. I texted him when one of our songs came on, Suds in the Bucket by Sara Evans (why he ever liked that song is beyond me) and told him I missed him, never responded. You might be wondering, well maybe his number changed. I thought that too, until I ran into his dad, who happened to move back to town, making me think I might actually see him. His number is the same. I even told his dad to tell him to call me, practically begging with tears in my eyes. That was 4 months ago.

The thing that hurts the most? He bought an engagement ring for his girlfriend and is apparently going to propose soon. I only know this because his dad told me. 3 years ago, I would have known this already and heard straight from him. That is how I know we're just old friends now.

I'm throwing in the towel. I'm done getting my hopes up every single time I try to reach out. Its sad that he wasn't there to make fun of me for being huge when I was pregnant, or that he most likely won't ever meet Tucker. He would have been too afraid to hold him anyways, for fear that he'd break him or he would shit on him.

Now, I'm going to try to be done being sad about it and start to move on.


  1. I know all too well what you are going thru and I am so sorry that your friendsip didnt work out. I wrote a post similar to this this past spring when my former best friend was getting married. it hurts so bad but it does get easier. even after you let go, there are still going to be those moments when you want to text him about something life changing, something funny, something sad, or something that just reminds you of him. I still struggle with that but the instances are few and far between now. my daughter will be 3 tomorrow and the one and only time my former friend met her was when she was less then a month old. it breaks my heart. and I am sure she will never meet this baby girl either.
    I hope you can take this sadness and heartache and remember the good times and the memories and someday look back and think "those were the days..."

  2. Unfortunately, I have found out that sometimes friends are only in your life for a season. I wish it didn't have to be that way though and in this case, it sounds like the girlfriend maybe has some jealousy issues? I have a female friend that I have known since middle school and her husband doesn't "allow" her to talk to any of our guy friends from middle school and high school. Super sad. She deleted them all on Facebook. :( I am with Lisa, just try to remember all of the good times!

  3. I'm so sorry to hear about this weighing on your chest. It's so sad that someone could come between such a great friendship. Even though you didn't say so, I have a strong feeling the reason he disconnected himself from you is because of "the girl". Which is so sad. Jealousy is a bitch. And apparently so is she. :) I do hope that you will find a place in your heart to appreciate all of those great memories and move on with the wonderful life that you have. It is a very sad thing to have to refer to him as an old friend. Unfortunately, it seems like as we grow up, it happens more and more often. Ever since I met my husband who is from a different town and eventually I moved away from home to be with him, I have found that just not being around those people, they don't make an effort and they are now "old friends". It's very hard to accept. But once you do, you will really appreciate what you once had and all of the memories. Maybe some day that girl will grow up to be a woman and allow "Will" to come back in your life!